Affairs in a relationship: Can a couple survive infidelity?

After the shock waves of betrayal have settled to a rumble, is there possibility of recovery? Is recovery possible after infidelity or an affair or is the damage to great? Will the pain ever go away? Can trust ever be restored? What will sex be like? Will that ever be resurrected?

Another question may revolve around how exactly an affair is defined? Does it involve a kiss, intercourse, emotional sharing, secret meetings over lunch or dinner, sexy text messages or emails?

Definitions are difficult in that there are vast differences in agreements or understandings that a couple may share in regard to what it means to have an affair. I guess the “share” factor is important here. Has an agreement been made by a couple in relationship with each other about acceptable and non acceptable behaviour outside the relationship?

To some, simply having a friend of the opposite gender represents a threat to a partner. To others, full sexual intercourse may be considered the boundary that defines an affair. The definition can be broad and open to interpretation. Some people consider having an emotional confidante outside the relationship to be worse than sexual activity.

It is all a matter of individual interpretation of what is acceptable. There are also couples who have agreements of “open marriage” where sexual contact with others is not seen as a threat.

It is not my intention here to make a statement of what is right or wrong. I prefer instead to emphasize the idea of “agreement” or contractual arrangement within a relationship. What are the rules of this particular relationship? How are they defined? What are the consequences of breaking an agreement?

Or in circumstances where there has been NO discussion of what is expected from one another, how is that handled when one party supposedly “betrays” the trust of a partner? Did they know that what they were doing constituted “betrayal” in their partner’s understanding? This gets tricky when the betrayal was an “innocent’ lunch that wasn’t declared in the “how was your day” conversation.

Two different perspectives on what constitutes betrayal can lead to disconnection and a lot of pain. The message here is to make sure you are both on the same page by discussing your expectations with one another in regard to fidelity and trust.

So what do you do if an affair does happen?

In After the Affair, Janis Abrahams Spring, Ph.D. with Michael Spring identify three stages of healing following infidelity:

1/ Normalizing Your Feelings:

“After the affair is revealed, both of you are likely to get swept up in an emotional whirlwind, the hurt partner overcome by a profound sense of loss, the unfaithful partner overcome by conflicting choices and emotions.”

2/ Deciding Whether to Recommit or Quit:

“Before your emotions can settle down, you need to confront your ambivalence about whether to stay or leave. By exploring your options, you’ll be able to make a thoughtful decision based on your circumstances and needs.”

3/ Rebuilding Your Relationship:

“If you decide to recommit, you’re likely to spend months, perhaps years, working to restore trust and intimacy”.

Affairs then, need not signal the end of the primary relationship. It can be a very loud wake-up call and provide the incentive to re-negotiate an entirely new relationship based on real intimacy and growth together with the original partner.

Christine Bennett