Caring4Couples

Relationship Life Cycles

2011-02-08T16:57:00.004+11:00

Life for me has been very hectic and interesting, disappointing and exciting and everything in between.

My daughter gave birth to her second son in October and my mother passed away in December. One was a super happy event and the other in contrast – very sad. Mum had been ill for some time. So on one hand it was a blessed relief that she passed. On the other, it brought to mind my own mortality. That was pretty depressing until I remembered the larger picture of death and rebirth. Life cycles are here whether we want to acknowledge them or not. And what more of a contrast than the birth of a child and the loss of a mother?

The two events also reinforced a very important concept of making the most of every day. Sometimes it is easy to forget that each day is a gift. Rather than asking the question, “I wonder what today will bring?”, I’m wondering how many people ask the other question, “I wonder what I can bring to this day?”

The same applies to relationships. People are prone to think along the lines of what they can receive from others rather than what they can offer to others. Sometimes all it takes is a warm smile or embrace to make another person’s day a better one.

Relationships also have life cycles. Different stages of relationship often bring new challenges and learning. It is common for a relationship to have a crisis about every seven years. It represents a crossroad on the relationship journey and sometimes the relationship might end at this point if a couple aren’t willing to do the work. Statistically separation and/or divorce is common at an interval of 7, 14 and 21 years into a relationship.

Relationship is a dynamic process. It is an experience rather than a thing that you can hang on a wall and say, “Oh that is my relationship. Isn’t it nice?” A wedding photo is an example. There it is. The proof of a happy event. But what about the doing stuff?

Do you remember to smile at each other every day? Do you offer a kind word or deed every day? Do you remember to have fun? Do you engage in loving, satisfying, regular sex? Do you still hug and kiss? How often do you show-and-tell “I love you”?

What challenges are you facing now with your relationship? Are you at or near a seven year cycle. What is the cycle about? How are you as a couple being asked to develop and grow in your relationship?

Wishing you love in your life,

Christine L Bennett

Counsellor & Psychotherapist
Certified Imago Relationship Therapist
MAppSci-Soc-Eco(CPPP) | CMCAPA (10366), |PACFA Reg. 20566 |AIRTA Member

Web: http://www.caring4couples.com.au
Email: christine@caring4couples.com.au

Tel: 1300 880 448 Mob: 0418 226 961
Postal Address: PO Box 420 Spit Junction Mosman 2088
Practice Address: Mosman Professional Centre,
Level 1 Bridgepoint, 3 Brady Street Mosman

Communication - Without a Word

2010-07-29T23:54:00.002+10:00

Non-verbal messages can be very loud

Do you ever feel as if you are being given the “cold shoulder” and yet nothing has been said?

Do you find yourself protectively crossing your arms over your chest when criticisms are coming your way during an uncomfortable or difficult conversation?

Have you ever experienced the “silent treatment” for days or gone into retreat yourself?

How do you feel if someone in pointing their finger at you during a verbal exchange?

Communication is usually very clear even if nothing is said

I often hear from couples, "We just don't know how to communicate".

Well, that might be what seems to be the problem. However, the way I see it, there is usually very clear communication happening. Sometimes this may happen without one word being uttered while other more subtle ways of getting the message across are played out.

There might be a roll of the eyes, crossing the arms across the chest, a deep and meaningful sigh, turning away from each other or even a not-so-subtle yawn.

I'm sure there are many more gestures or body movements that haven't been mentioned and yet are very powerful forms of non-verbal communication.

The big flick

A real doozy I witnessed the other day happened between two women in an office foyer. One woman was waiting to meet someone and as she was approached by a second woman, instead of verbally acknowledging her, she waived her hand in a manner than looked to me as if she was literally giving her the flick. She made no eye contact. Not a word was spoken and yet I picked up a very clear communication of dismissal. It was a similar action to repelling an unwanted insect. It may have been an intentional gesture or a reaction to some past hurt. I have no idea. Whether intentional or not, mission was accomplished and the second woman turned away and kept walking. Neither woman spoke a word and yet communication took place.

The real communication issue – Hurt feelings

The way I see it, the problem isn’t so much one of not being able to communicate, rather than knowing how to communicate in a way that achieves a positive outcome for all concerned. Usually hurt feelings are what get in the way of positive communication. The messages are being sent in an underhand way instead of upfront and with clear ownership of what the hurt is all about.

Effective communication skills can be learned. Quite often it is a skill that doesn’t come naturally because it wasn’t something that happened at home or taught at school. Counselling is one way of learning effective communication skills along with many courses that are available through the workplace or privately.

Do you have any interesting stories you would like to share about non-verbal communication? I have focused on ways of sending non-verbal negative messages in this article. Maybe you have some examples of how positive messages may be delivered non-verbally and are just as effective (or more so) that spoken messages.

Christine Bennett
http://www.caring4couples.com.au
0418 226 961

Dangers of Online Dating

2010-07-22T08:40:00.003+10:00

Have you ever had a scary experience after meeting someone online?

Have you felt humiliated if they turn up, look you up and down and then make an excuse to leave early?

Has your new date made proclamations of how they enjoyed meeting you and will "give you a call" never to be heard of again?

Have you been swamped with love letters from dating candidates who live overseas and have "fallen in love" with you sight unseen?

Have you been emailing for absolute ages only to find that your online correspondence is as far as it will go?

These are just some of the experiences that are possible that I have heard about as a relationship counsellor and I'm sure there are many more ranging from just tedious to tragic. Assault and murder have been among the horror stories concerning victims of predators they have met online. In the majority of cases the victims of these crimes are mostly women.

Men however are not immune. I have heard of men being stalked and harassed by women who have been "rejected" when the man they have met online simply isn't interested in further contact. There seems to be some expectation that once a meeting takes place, then it will result in further contact. This aint necessarily so! It is simply a further screening process and may go no further than that.

Once-normal lives can be turned upside down by a dating encounter. My theory is that the online dating community is where some very emotionally wounded people hang out. Often they have been in long term marriages that have ended in bitter divorce or the loss of a partner through death. Others may never have been in a long term relationship because of fear of commitment or inept social skills. Some dating profiles even acknowledge that their "baggage is well stowed on a 747"! This at least is a realistic perception that most people do have a history which involves some painful experiences. The profiles that say they are "mentally sorted" or have "no baggage" are the ones to avoid.

There are of course perfectly "normal" people seeking a companion for either friendship, short or long term relationship or simply for casual sex. One of the potential hazards of online dating is that a profile can be concocted from either truth, half truth or total fiction.

Online daters can hide behind a computer screen and portray a persona of utter fantasy. The reader will be none the wiser unless they meet at some stage and enter into a "real" dating experience. By "real" I mean, meet in person, like the person that you seem to be connecting with and then bingo! It can take a few weeks to a few months for the real "real" person to reveal who they "really" are. Sometimes this is hard to pick until some time elapses which is, after all, what dating is all about.

Dating is essentially a process of meeting up with someone where you get to know them enough to be able to make a decision to take the relationship further. This takes time and patience and may involve kissing a lot of frogs before the prince or princess of your dreams eventually turns up.

Online dating requires a very thick skin, lots of patience, a big bucket of humour and a lot of discernment with keen observation skills! It is not for the feint hearted, yet can ultimately be very rewarding.

Please share your online dating experiences here. There is scope for good experiences too!!

Christine Bennett
http://www.caring4couples.com.au/dating.htm

Affairs in a relationship: Can a couple survive infidelity?

2010-05-26T18:14:00.004+10:00

After the shock waves of betrayal have settled to a rumble, is there possibility of recovery? Is recovery possible after infidelity or an affair or is the damage to great? Will the pain ever go away? Can trust ever be restored? What will sex be like? Will that ever be resurrected?

Another question may revolve around how exactly an affair is defined? Does it involve a kiss, intercourse, emotional sharing, secret meetings over lunch or dinner, sexy text messages or emails?

Definitions are difficult in that there are vast differences in agreements or understandings that a couple may share in regard to what it means to have an affair. I guess the “share” factor is important here. Has an agreement been made by a couple in relationship with each other about acceptable and non acceptable behaviour outside the relationship?

To some, simply having a friend of the opposite gender represents a threat to a partner. To others, full sexual intercourse may be considered the boundary that defines an affair. The definition can be broad and open to interpretation. Some people consider having an emotional confidante outside the relationship to be worse than sexual activity.

It is all a matter of individual interpretation of what is acceptable. There are also couples who have agreements of “open marriage” where sexual contact with others is not seen as a threat.

It is not my intention here to make a statement of what is right or wrong. I prefer instead to emphasize the idea of “agreement” or contractual arrangement within a relationship. What are the rules of this particular relationship? How are they defined? What are the consequences of breaking an agreement?

Or in circumstances where there has been NO discussion of what is expected from one another, how is that handled when one party supposedly “betrays” the trust of a partner? Did they know that what they were doing constituted “betrayal” in their partner’s understanding? This gets tricky when the betrayal was an “innocent’ lunch that wasn’t declared in the “how was your day” conversation.

Two different perspectives on what constitutes betrayal can lead to disconnection and a lot of pain. The message here is to make sure you are both on the same page by discussing your expectations with one another in regard to fidelity and trust.

So what do you do if an affair does happen?

In After the Affair, Janis Abrahams Spring, Ph.D. with Michael Spring identify three stages of healing following infidelity:

1/ Normalizing Your Feelings:

“After the affair is revealed, both of you are likely to get swept up in an emotional whirlwind, the hurt partner overcome by a profound sense of loss, the unfaithful partner overcome by conflicting choices and emotions.”

2/ Deciding Whether to Recommit or Quit:

“Before your emotions can settle down, you need to confront your ambivalence about whether to stay or leave. By exploring your options, you’ll be able to make a thoughtful decision based on your circumstances and needs.”

3/ Rebuilding Your Relationship:

“If you decide to recommit, you’re likely to spend months, perhaps years, working to restore trust and intimacy”.

Affairs then, need not signal the end of the primary relationship. It can be a very loud wake-up call and provide the incentive to re-negotiate an entirely new relationship based on real intimacy and growth together with the original partner.

Christine Bennett

Affairs of the heart or just a rush of endorphins?

2010-04-13T15:25:00.003+10:00

A common relationship issue I come across in my practice is that of betrayal, breach of trust and a whole lot of pain as a result of cheating.

Some would prefer to refer to this as an affair of the heart or "I just couldn't help myself. I fell in love!"

This idea of "falling in love" is a great fallacy according to a lot of experts recently who have done extensive research on neuropeptides and brain chemistry. Some natural brain chemicals can be as powerful as a hit of heroin. In the movie, "What the Bleep Do We Know", "Falling in Love" is portrayed as a chemical addiction to lust.

"The thing that most people don't realize is that when they understand that they are addicted to emotions, it's not just psychological, it's biochemical.

Think about this.

Heroin uses the same receptor mechanisms on the cells that our emotional chemicals use.

It's easy to see, then, that if we can be addicted to heroin, then we can be addicted to any neuropeptide, any emotion." - Dr. Joseph Dispenza

This concept is also endorsed by the research carried out by Candace B.Pert, Ph.D., Research Professor, available to read in her book, Molecules of Emotion. Candace Pert details her research to answer questions about why we feel the way we feel and how emotions and thoughts affect our health.

So what does this all have to do with having an affair? It's about addiction to emotion rather than love. Some people are addicted to the endorphin high identified as being "in love" just as others may be addicted to feeling angry or anxious.

This is important to know if thoughts of ending a marriage or important relationship are being entertained on the brink of an endorphin rush being confused with genuine love. Have a rethink and maybe some counselling.

I look forward to your comments and welcome enquiries.

In the name of Love

2010-03-23T08:19:00.000+11:00

Hi and welcome to my first blog.

What an exciting way to communicate! Technology seems to be THE way of communicating these days as the primary means of sharing information.

I hear that clients send text messages to one another during the day as well as emails to keep in touch and then when they arrive home at the end of the day, there isn't much left to say! I find that a tad sad. The TV, computer or digital game is then gazed at as a way of unwinding after a day of work rather than engaging with one another.

Then I hear that their relationship is in trouble because of lack of intimacy!

Technology is also being used to spy on and stalk each other. This is not only illegal but leads to feelings of distrust and betrayal. This is one of the surest ways for a partner to create irreversible damage.

Often the reason given for this invasion of privacy is "because I love you". One partner may have such low levels of confidence and self worth that they feel compelled to check up on the other in an ill fated attempt to feel re-assured of fidelity and their partner's love for them. This usually backfires and has the reverse affect to providing comfort.

The intruding partner may say things that give the game away such as asking questions or showing knowledge that could only have come from having access to private correspondence with others. This inevitably leads to suspicion, conflict and disconnection and can be a deal breaker in relationship.

I look forward to your comments.What are your thoughts on invasion of a partner's privacy?