Communication - Without a Word

Non-verbal messages can be very loud

• Do you ever feel as if you are being given the “cold shoulder” and yet nothing has been said?

• Do you find yourself protectively crossing your arms over your chest when criticisms are coming your way during an uncomfortable or difficult conversation?
  


• Have you ever experienced the “silent treatment” for days or gone into retreat yourself?
  


• How do you feel if someone in pointing their finger at you during a verbal exchange?
  

Communication is usually very clear even if nothing is said

I often hear from couples, "We just don't know how to communicate".

Well, that might be what seems to be the problem. However, the way I see it, there is usually very clear communication happening. Sometimes this may happen without one word being uttered while other more subtle ways of getting the message across are played out.

There might be a roll of the eyes, crossing the arms across the chest, a deep and meaningful sigh, turning away from each other or even a not-so-subtle yawn.

I'm sure there are many more gestures or body movements that haven't been mentioned and yet are very powerful forms of non-verbal communication.

The big flick

A real doozy I witnessed the other day happened between two women in an office foyer. One woman was waiting to meet someone and as she was approached by a second woman, instead of verbally acknowledging her, she waived her hand in a manner than looked to me as if she was literally giving her the flick. She made no eye contact. Not a word was spoken and yet I picked up a very clear communication of dismissal. It was a similar action to repelling an unwanted insect. It may have been an intentional gesture or a reaction to some past hurt. I have no idea. Whether intentional or not, mission was accomplished and the second woman turned away and kept walking. Neither woman spoke a word and yet communication took place.

The real communication issue – Hurt feelings

The way I see it, the problem isn’t so much one of not being able to communicate, rather than knowing how to communicate in a way that achieves a positive outcome for all concerned. Usually hurt feelings are what get in the way of positive communication. The messages are being sent in an underhand way instead of upfront and with clear ownership of what the hurt is all about.

Effective communication skills can be learned. Quite often it is a skill that doesn’t come naturally because it wasn’t something that happened at home or taught at school. Counselling is one way of learning effective communication skills along with many courses that are available through the workplace or privately.

Do you have any interesting stories you would like to share about non-verbal communication? I have focused on ways of sending non-verbal negative messages in this article. Maybe you have some examples of how positive messages may be delivered non-verbally and are just as effective (or more so) that spoken messages.

Christine Bennett
http://www.caring4couples.com.au
0418 226 961

Dangers of Online Dating

Have you ever had a scary experience after meeting someone online?

Have you felt humiliated if they turn up, look you up and down and then make an excuse to leave early?

Has your new date made proclamations of how they enjoyed meeting you and will "give you a call" never to be heard of again?

Have you been swamped with love letters from dating candidates who live overseas and have "fallen in love" with you sight unseen?

Have you been emailing for absolute ages only to find that your online correspondence is as far as it will go?

These are just some of the experiences that are possible that I have heard about as a relationship counsellor and I'm sure there are many more ranging from just tedious to tragic. Assault and murder have been among the horror stories concerning victims of predators they have met online. In the majority of cases the victims of these crimes are mostly women.

Men however are not immune. I have heard of men being stalked and harassed by women who have been "rejected" when the man they have met online simply isn't interested in further contact. There seems to be some expectation that once a meeting takes place, then it will result in further contact. This aint necessarily so! It is simply a further screening process and may go no further than that.

Once-normal lives can be turned upside down by a dating encounter. My theory is that the online dating community is where some very emotionally wounded people hang out. Often they have been in long term marriages that have ended in bitter divorce or the loss of a partner through death. Others may never have been in a long term relationship because of fear of commitment or inept social skills. Some dating profiles even acknowledge that their "baggage is well stowed on a 747"! This at least is a realistic perception that most people do have a history which involves some painful experiences. The profiles that say they are "mentally sorted" or have "no baggage" are the ones to avoid.

There are of course perfectly "normal" people seeking a companion for either friendship, short or long term relationship or simply for casual sex. One of the potential hazards of online dating is that a profile can be concocted from either truth, half truth or total fiction.

Online daters can hide behind a computer screen and portray a persona of utter fantasy. The reader will be none the wiser unless they meet at some stage and enter into a "real" dating experience. By "real" I mean, meet in person, like the person that you seem to be connecting with and then bingo! It can take a few weeks to a few months for the real "real" person to reveal who they "really" are. Sometimes this is hard to pick until some time elapses which is, after all, what dating is all about.

Dating is essentially a process of meeting up with someone where you get to know them enough to be able to make a decision to take the relationship further. This takes time and patience and may involve kissing a lot of frogs before the prince or princess of your dreams eventually turns up.

Online dating requires a very thick skin, lots of patience, a big bucket of humour and a lot of discernment with keen observation skills! It is not for the feint hearted, yet can ultimately be very rewarding.

Please share your online dating experiences here. There is scope for good experiences too!!

Christine Bennett
http://www.caring4couples.com.au/dating.htm